Feels like a lump in your throat.вЂќД«en Okri may not have been referring to vicarious trauma when he equated listening with suffering but the link was there. ItвЂ™s an involuntary clenching of the vocal chords. The speech pathologist used to sing opera and he looks like he used to sing opera. вЂњYour throat is unremarkable,вЂќ the speech pathologist said, reading the ENT report. Two GPs, one barium swallow, and a speech pathologist later, I was lying on a carpeted floor staring at the ceiling and repeating zz sounds. My GP sent me to the ear, nose and throat doctor who squirted bitter anesthetic up my right nostril and stuffed a tube in it to peer into my throat as I gagged. It wasnвЂ™t until I had trouble swallowing and speaking became painful that I remembered a friendвЂ™s father who had died of throat cancer. The more I listened, the bigger that lump in my throat became but I kept ignoring it. The thing is, when I asked about belonging, people told me about rape and racism вЂ“ He dragged me from the car by my hair вЂ“ anorexia and mental illness, attempted suicide, prison and homelessness вЂ“ I cut off his hand and shoved it in his mouth.

In six months, I collected 130 interviews. I was also thrilled to be part of a festival and had negotiated stints with a state library, a hospital, and a hip cafe. I was just pleased I had found a catchy persona I could use to interview people I wouldnвЂ™t normally meet.

When I set myself up as the вЂњWriter Out Of Residence,вЂќ I didnвЂ™t think it would drive me to therapy. Either way IвЂ™m embarrassed to say that I became a casualty of my own research. вЂњListening,вЂќ Okri had said in an ABC radio interview, вЂњis quite close to suffering.вЂќ Maybe I didnвЂ™t take Okri seriously or maybe I thought I was immune. Last year when I embarked on a project gathering stories of belonging, I tried to be witty and philosophical by quoting author Ben Okri.

State Library of Queensland, Brisbane Australia.

Ben okri quotes about endings